Here are four DTP dispatches covering the adventures of First
Lady Hillary Clinton among the Chinese:
by Marco Tang
DTP Asian Littoral Correspondent
Beijing --(DTP)--A Chinese plot to make hostages of First Lady Hillary Clinton and Feminist Jungle Fighter Bella Abzug and trade them back to the United States in exchange for Taiwan and two million copies of Windows 95 was disclosed today.
The plan was reported to have been found in a Yak-skin briefcase left in a pedicab in downtown Shanghai by a former KGB agent known to the intelligence community only as "The Horde." A yellow pad also found in the briefcase noted the telephone number of CNN along with the name "L. King" with a question mark.
An Administration spokeswoman said discovery of the plot -- code name GIRLSWAP -- would in "no way hold up plans" by the First Lady to attend the UN international meeting on women in Beijing and its remote suburbs.
The spokeswoman also said "there is no truth to the report that the President has urged Microsoft Chairman William Gates to stand firm," However, the spokeswoman did confirm that the President has advised the Taiwanese government that "the United States would never cave in to blackmail."
A Pentagon spokesman denied the authenticity of published reports that all remaining units of the U.S. Pacific fleet were withdrawing from the South China Sea to conduct joint maneuvers off Port au Prince to help monitor new Haitian elections.
Official Chinese sources said the GIRLSWAP report was "highly exaggerated." He said it may be based on a misunderstanding of a Chinese proposal to hire the First Lady for an indefinite period to help streamline industry in the People's Republic using the model she developed for the U.S. health care industry.
"Until recently we did now know how to keep the Communist bureaucracy employed as private business expands in China," an aging government official said. "Then we saw the Clinton health plan. We would hope Mrs. Clinton could also convince members of her most wise planning team to bring their expertise to bear on our problems."
The official also denied reports that Chinese submarines armed with nuclear-tipped missiles were deploying off the coast of Taiwan and six Chinese battle groups were now stationed in the Canton Area.
An Administration source said that "of course the President would miss having the First Lady around during the forthcoming Whitewater trials and the presidential campaign but the President would just have to soldier on, so to speak."
by Marco Tang
DTP Asian Littoral Correspondent
Beijing--(DTP)--First Lady Hillary Clinton, moments after arriving in China for the UN Women's Conference, was reported missing today and apparently under arrest after she slipped into a men's room at a posh restaurant to avoid a long line at a nearby women's room.
Male security agents waiting outside the men's room door for FLOTUS (Code name for First Lady of the United States) became alarmed when she did not come out after ten minutes, stormed in and found her missing. Hong Chee, a men's room attendant, told reporters she had been taken away through a back door by uniformed police who charged her with improperly entering a public convenience.
"Happen all time," he said. "You want hot towel."
The incident apparently occurred only minutes after FLOTUS and a small group of delegates to the UN International Conference on Women entered the Great Wall Restaurant a few blocks from the Imperial Palace.
A U.S. embassy spokeswoman said "everything possible is being done to locate where the First Lady is now and we have filed a very strong protest with the Chinese government." Asked for comment, the President, who was in Hollywood discussing a documentary on Clinton family values, said he felt pain in his heart for First Lady but "you have to keep in mind the suffering in Rwanda."
A Chinese government spokesman said a search was underway but because of the large number of foreigners in Beijing for the conference "it is difficult to track down routine arrests." He apologized "if there has been any misunderstanding."
An unidentified delegate from Genders for All Association told reporters at the restaurant that delays at the women's room were caused by insufficient facilities and the necessity of avoiding picture-taking Chinese security agents lurking by the sinks. She said she has filed a formal protest with the United Nations charging lack of gender sensitivity in the People's Republic.
The government spokesman said police normally patrol public rest rooms "to protect the public from undesirables often found there."
"Everything we do is for the benefit of the people," he said. "And, of course, our gracious and most welcome guests."
by Henry Big Turtle
DTP Diversity Affairs Editor
Cambridge, MA--(DTP)--Cultural diversity professors at dozens of American universities today called on First Lady Hillary Clinton to apologize for what they characterized as her "clearly racist attack at the UN conference in China on folkways and religious customs of people of color."
The Center for Cultural Diversity Education, a non-profit organization funded exclusively by the U.S. government, said it had been "deluged with protests" from thousands of academic across the country regarding the First Lady's "attack on the great non-white cultures" of Asia, Africa and Latin America.
Dr. Jabbah Khan, a spokesman for the Center, said "the academic world of cultural diversity particular deplores Mrs. Clinton's misrepresentation of important religeo-cultural sexual customs such as female genital circumcision and mating mores such as the buying of wives and live cremation of widows."
"Where does this busybody criticism stop?" Dr. Khan said. "Next she will attack our Native American brethren for their long and proud cultural history of human sacrifice and related protein supplementation programs.
"These white people are merely consumed with guilt because they know that they stole all of our good ideas."
Prof. Mohammed ben Hormuz, aka Jessie "Needles" Brown and holder of a Chair for Golden Age of Africa Studies, said in commenting on the First Lady's speech that "it was typical of the Eurocentric mind to criticize superior cultures they don't understand in an effort to cover up their own truly unmentionable habits."
Prof. Hormuz said that recent comparative studies of the sexual customs and political folkways "in backward states like Arkansas and in rural China clearly show where reform is needed."
The White House said that despite previous reports the President "has no idea" what the First Lady said in her speech and declined further comment. It issued a brief denial of reports that Whitewater money was used to pay for the transportation of young Chinese women to Little Rock in 1990 to provide "personal services" at the Governor's Mansion.
by Didi O'Toon
DTP Good Feelings Writer
Washington --(DTP)-- The White House today displayed the "first fruits of diversity" from First Lady Hillary Clinton's trip to China with plans for opening of a king-size Mongolian yurt in the Rose Garden.
The mammoth yurt, described in plans leaked by a diplomatic source, will include the traditional open hearth fire, ceremonial bowl for mare's milk, a special dispenser of Mongolian snuff and a statue of Genghis Khan. The yurt, covered with oiled felt made from yak hair and clotted mare's milk, will be constructed on the basis of satellite photos apparently hand carried to Washington by the First Lady on her return from Ulan Bator.
"Let the message go forth and echo too: This a true symbol of cultural diversity in America," a spokesman said. "The White House Yurt will be used for greeting Third World dignitaries, signing of legislation affecting minorities, and important peacekeeping photo ops where all the people who hate each other shake hands."
The spokesman said the sacred mare's milk and snuff would be offered but he insisted that the President would only chew the snuff rather than inhale it. A large brass brazier will house the traditional fire of burning thornwood and dried dung cakes -- all natural consumer products imported from Mongolia in trade for four Tomahawk missiles. At the suggestion of the First Lady, the brazier will be located outside the yurt.
Felt used in the White House Yurt will be made from yak hair by school children in the Washington public schools as part of their regular cultural diversity studies and job training. The yak hair will be donated by the National Zoo.
"This will be a major learning experience for the children about compassion in non-Eurocentric cultures," a US Department of Education spokesman said. "For example, the children will learn that the Yasa or Sacred Commands of Genghis Khan forbids Mongols from shedding each others blood. Accordingly, to prevent bloodshed, the Yasa permits the wrapping of fellow Mongols in yurt felt and trampling them with horses."
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